Originally published on a personal timeline at Facebook in Spring or early Summer 2013, published here with minor editing. At the time, extraordinary measures regarding fasting, ketosis and water and sleep deprivation took place.
I had a very disturbing yet once fascinating sleep, last night. Several times I was in a half-awake lucid-oneiric state, and each time I forced myself to awake because it began to feel too eldritch and I was afraid that something really scary would be experienced if I didn’t wake up.
From what I remember, I didn’t even have any visual perception, but merely this ‘non-vision’ of ‘energized’ blackness along with an uncomfortable ‘suck-feeling’ in the diaphragm, or around the solar plexus. I don’t remember if all the half-awake dreams were audial, but I do remember one which was just… voices in my head, like I was telepathically hearing a conversation somewhere, and then suddenly I heard this never-before-heard-of mainstream Rap/House song and was then convinced that this was a song that just got released on YouTube.
Most of the time when I forced myself to wake up, I could only just stop the dream, but not move my body except lifting up my head a little bit and a bit of my upper back, and either I couldn’t open my eyes completely, or my vision was partially blackened for a short-but-still-feeling-long period.
But here comes the kicker:
In between these disturbing half-awake lucid dreams or lucid-oneiric states of mind, I had one which was mostly the warped blackness I mentioned before, but with a transparent erotic scene of a seemingly completely nude woman. I was lying on my back the whole night, yet at first I was convinced that I was physically rubbing my penis on some surface as a way of masturbation, and it really felt like I actually did that. Yet, after a few seconds I remembered that’s not possible, since I’m lying on my back.
Nonetheless I kept ‘masturbating’ with my mind to this oneiric-interactive pornography of mine and was twice close to reach orgasm, and had I succeded in doing so it would’ve been my second lucid-oneiric orgasm—my first happening in the same week as Midsummer 2011.
Alas I failed as this last dream, for a change, forced me to wake up once and for all for the day.
Some weeks laters…
I’m very afraid now. After, many, many years I have begun to have nightmares. That is, dreams during which I have been very disturbed and just wanted to wake up, or, if I wasn’t aware of being in a dream, very afraid.
I shall tell you what I just dreamt three or so minutes ago:
I don’t quite remember how it began, but my father has a new house, and I have complete access to it, yet going inside certain smaller houses within our garden or something activates the alarm. We don’t quite live there, we merely possess it for now.
One day I decide to visit the house and another mini-house in the garden. Then I go out of it all. But then while on the street, for some forgotten reason I go to the same minihouse from outside, through the high quasi-grill-designed fence, fantasically ninja-style, and open a window on its back wall. After 10 seconds, I hear the alarm, and ten seconds after that I hear my father’s voice, and after a while of hiding somewhere in the mini-house I just know is safe, I hear my father’s voice asking “Where is Michel?”, or perhaps just “Michel?”. I leave the minihouse the same way I got in, hear my father’s voice saying “Michel?” once again, as if he had just seen me on the street and genuinely was wondering if it was me, and I just run away, zigzagging many times just in case he’d follow me.
The dream then just ‘jumps’ to the next day, or so it seems, and I am with my father in the mini-house. I think he talks about the intrusion earlier/yesterday evening/night, and either asks if it was me, or implies it. For some reason I realize this is a dream and force myself to wake up. During my attempt to wake up, father says he saw pieces of my clothes on the fences.
I wake up in the mini-house and it’s night. It was quite a struggle to wake up completely, my right eye was still just seeing black and refusing to open until I manually forced it too with my hands. I am completely convinced I am awake, yet disturbing things happen, too many to tell everything, and sadly almost all of them are insufficiently remembered. But I remember some lamp on the wall severely freaking me out, and when a wheelchair, no, a walking frame close to a wall suddenly moved by itself, I panicked and it said something with a disembodied voice and then not just returned to its original position, it practically rammed the wall and made my vision zoom towards it during its ramming (which only lasted for half a second), strongly implying that it was possessed. Some other eldritch things, literally things, happened, and lo and behold, I find out even this was a dream when I wake up for real.
I had only been asleep for less than hour. I have previously been too afraid of too much imposing strangeness to have these dreams (we automatically wake up if what we dream is too fearsome for us to handle, which would depend on the dreamer in question). If these kinds of dreams are going to be progressively more frequent, I am seriously afraid of what I will dream after my formal Self-Initiation.