In my favourite TedX talk, legendary philosopher Sam Hyde predicted what 2070 would look like. While certainly inspiring, it left out some clear psychohistorical insights which weakened the argument. Very little was mentioned of the geopolitics of the future, a glaring omission from what otherwise was the most erotic investigation into scientific truth ever. Therefore, I have decided to put right what once went wrong and, in the name of Retrofuturism, tell you what 2075 will look like.
- Kurdistan will consolidate its power, then move on to conquer Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Turkey. The result will be the first Zoroastrian empire since the fall of the Sassanids.
- Israel will vassalize the United States and Canada, resulting in a Jewish superstate. However, the Muslim majority in America will win a majority in the Grand Knesset, outlawing Judaism from Israel.
- Korea will be unified under a Muist Shamanic Theocracy, led by PSY’s grandson Park Moon-Oh
- Apple will go bankrupt after a failed attempt to make sex robots hemorrhages billions from the company.
- In a desperate attempt to dodge their demographic winter, Japan will sacrifice the last emperor to Amaterasu Omikami, thereby making anime real. Half-Japanese, Half-Anime hybrids become the dominant race on Earth.
- Nigeria becomes a first world country, causing millions of European migrants to flood into Africa
- Ireland sinks into the sea, causing the oceans to have an alcohol volume of 5%. All the whales get drunk and die.
- The President of Russia, a clone of Vladimir Putin with cybernetic implants named Rurik Vladimirovich, declassifies top secret files revealing the Stargate Program was real, and that the show was an elaborate campaign of misinformation
- An outbreak of the plague wipes out most of India, leaving them with a population of 31000. Their economy rebounds, and India becomes a world superpower.
- Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth 2
- An Oblivion Gate appears in downtown Melbourne. Mehrunes Dagon is shitposted back to his realm, and Australians in Daedric Armour conquer Oceania
- Somali pirates seize a time machine from an Argentine transport vessel. Their leader goes back to the year 1867 to become George Washington. However, he mixes up the date of independence and Canadian confederation, and so adds “Carver” to his last name, inventing peanut butter many years later
And as always, thanks for watching.